Bad moon rising

For me, there is just about no more depressing time of the year than right now. Did you notice that pretty much everything Christmas related is gone on December 26th? Maybe it's because retail America starts ramming Christmas down our throats before Halloween decorations are even put out (get out of the way, Thanksgiving!) that causes people to just be "so over" the season by the end of the actual day. I myself, could use a little phasing out of the music and lights. Which might be why I get a little down...

I am Clark Griswold. I welcome the day I get a thank-you letter from the power company. I start putting lights on the house, bushes, trees, and anything else that is fastened to the ground (watch out kitty). And when it's all done, usually in the same week that I give Thanks for turkey, dressing, and peanut-butter pie, I don't just sit back and marvel at the lustrous luminous instensity my house emits in the cul-de-sac - I think of what more I want to do next year.

Sadly, what goes up must come down, and the post-Christmas post-haste cleansing must begin. As when I put the lights out, I take them back down nearly in the same order - the hardest ones to reach on the most dangerous part of my roof are the first to go up and down. Donning my trusty work jeans suitable for roof-sitting and straddling, I grumble my way up to the first roof, set the second ladder, and traverse to the upper roof.

This is the sharpest angle my roof sits at and is completely impossible for me to stand or sit easily on, so I have devised a technique of sitting with my knees tucked nearly under my chin and my feet together. Provided I do my kegel exercises with my rear, I can generally hold myself in one position and turn my upper body to work just over the edge of the roof. Yes, I'm an idiot; but let the record show that I have never fallen off the roof. When my wife's home.

There is, however, a drawback to doing such a thing. Apparently, blue jean material can only withstand so much, and roof shingles tend to be quite coarse. And I have a strong butt. With the title of the post, you can probably see where this is going, can't you?

So there I was, the king of my castle, master of my domain, perched atop the highest vista of my house cautiously going about my business of not falling of the roof taking down the lights when the neighbor's kids came out to play or so I thought. They seemed very interested in watching me; I could only assume that they were awaiting my expected fall or for a gas pocket to dislodge and launch me to their roof. And no, I've never actually done that. When my wife's home.

I finally reach the apex of the house, a place where I can straddle the roof and, using my caboose for balance (told you it was strong) walk on my hands back to the middle of the house where I can stand. And that's when it hit me - the kids were suddenly laughing. Not light giggling or semi-obnoxious squealing, but laughing. I see something you don't see type of funny. I get to where I can stand and that's when it literally hit me - the breeze I'm talking about.

You see, as a man (or even an erstwhile Godly woman with a dose of common sense), you realize that their are places brisk breezes shouldn't touch. Ever. We sometimes call that the nether-region. I call it "anything on the underside of my drawers." That's where the winds were a blowin'.

I reached back, expecting to find the seat of my britches riddled with holes as if Al Capone had just literally ordered a hit on my butt. Only I didn't find it. Not them, it. I didn't find my seat. The laughter was starting to make sense, now. They weren't waiting for me to make a fool of myself; I, myself, was the fool. They had just been witness to a (nearly) middle-aged man's pasty white backside clothed in what remained of my Haynes-his-way with what most likely looked like a thong belonging to Sasquatch peaking out from underneath. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I remembered something...

These are the same pants I wore when putting allll the lights out - all 3450 of them!