Rules of the Royal Throne Room

I'll go ahead and tell you right off the bat that this is potty humor. Literally. If this brand of humor offends you, turn the radio dial to the right. I just feel the need to inform all of you, mainly the men, of transgressions made in that most sacred of places - the public restroom. While this will generally only cover the work "office", it can (and in my opinion should) apply to other public halls of semi-indecency.

For starters, at no time in that room should there ever be any handshaking. Period. For that matter, there shall not be any rumpshaking, either. The only shaking that should be occurring in there should happen once - no double-clicking the mouse.

Next I'd like to address conversations. When you go to salute the loo, there is to never be eye contact with the person next to you. This is most important to you remember if you are a tall people - us hobbits aren't too sure what you're looking at. Furthermore, the newest office joke or a hot piece of gossip is not something that I need to hear when I'm trying to ring the Cheerio. If you feel chatty, go to the women's lavoratory. And for crying out loud, none of this "man that water's cold!" business. No standing six feet away either - it's gross and just makes you look like a tool.

Taking the conversation piece one step further, when you're on the royal throne doing your duty for queen and country, don't talk to me. It's not a nasty thing, but more self preservation. You see, my inner child is only 12 and not growing up any time soon. If we're mired in a deep conversation while one of us is going to brown town and there is a main shuttle bay decompression, I'm not going to be able to talk - I'm going to be quietly, but literally figuratively, laughing my butt off. All together now - fart is funny.

Finally, and this may only apply to certain workplaces where Crackberries are prevalent, but I don't need to here the clickety-clacking of you typing away an email, text, making an appt, or whatever else you would be doing on the thing while in those hallowed halls. I certainly don't need to hear you discussing TPS reports or the latest stock tips. It is a land of peace and tranquility - don't pollute it.