The Happy Dance

I'm not sure how I missed this earlier this week:

According to an article in the May 2006 edition of Esquire magazine, the national average for men having sex is 58 times a year.

That's right, once a week plus 6 freebies (anniversary, birthdays (his and hers), when the Braves win the World Series, when the Steelers win the Super Bowl again, going to see Phantom of the Opera with your wife...). But hold on there, it gets better:

It says that if a man has sex 116 times a year, he will add 1.6 years to his life. If he has sex 350 times a year, he will add 8 years.

Wow.

Best. Survey. Findings. Ever.

Stupid parents

In yesterday's AJC there was an article about a mom throwing an after prom party, including a keg, for her daughter (the mom has since been charged). Now I will preface this by saying that I do not have kids; therefore I understand that I'm not entitled to an opinion on parenting at all (eyeroll). With that said...

What on earth are these types of parents thinking? Are they so concerned with being their kid's friend that they forgot that they're the parents? You know, discipline, enforcing the rules, that kind of uncool stuff? They're teenagers for crying out loud; if they aren't hating you about something, then you're job isn't being done.

And just what are you telling your kids with this message of "we know they're going to do it; they all do." Bull-butter. You're setting the bar low so that when (not if) it's knocked off you can pat hug yourself and say "it's just what kids do these days." Read this: it's just what kids do that don't have parents actively involved in their lives; it's exactly what kids do that have friends guiding their decisions.

This is right up there with putting a teenaged girl on birth control. Why not just write them a blank check?

Best Baseball Comedy Ever

... aside from the Cubs that is. :)

Here's the transcript to Abbott and Costello's classic Who's on First? (and you can listen to it here):

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean...

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofè.

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who's on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing...

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who's playing first?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets...

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money...

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign...

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: Ok.

Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

Costello: What's on first?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third.

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: You don't want who on second?

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

Abbott: No, What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher's name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

Abbott: I'm telling you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher's name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott: Now you've got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

Abbott: That's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's different.

Costello: That's what I said.

Abbott: You're not saying it...

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's what I said!

Abbott: You ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

Wocka-wocka!

You Are Fozzie Bear

"Wocka! Wocka!" You're the life of the party, and you love making people crack up. If only your routine didn't always bomb! You may find more groans than laughs, but always keep the jokes coming.

The Muppet Personality Test

Anyone actually surprised by this? ;) (borrowed from Joel)

Happy New Year

Some random thoughts on last night's Braves home opener, which thanks to my lovely wife, I was able to attend.

• I heard the phrase "Happy New Year" at least a dozen times last night. I thought it was interesting the first time. A little bit more annoying each time thereafter.
• Jeff, did I see you at the game last night? I thought I did, but (not trying to be mean here) the super-hot blonde that was hanging on potentially-you threw me. Just curious.
• Goosebump moments: the flyby during the end of the National Anthem; pretty much the rest of the night (it was a cool night in the stands).
• To the third base umpire - I don't know who you are or how long you've been in the league, but if you react to the crowd every time they disagree with your call, you're just egging them on (this from a reformed heckler).
  
• To the middle aged but rather young looking grandmother stitting in front of my wife wearing the red stringy thong with bows - 1) Eww. 2) Thanks for keeping my wife giggling for the whole game. It may be the first one she's stayed awake for the whole time.
• To the lady in the see-thru white dress without the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder on a rather chilly night - I believe the rather well dressed drunk guys behind us said it best: (in a sales vendor voice) "Peanuts! Cold Peanuts!"
• Adam LaRoche may be the most underrated defensive first baseman in the National League. He made some plays last night look real easy.
• How ironic is it that the first Braves starter able to go 5 innings without giving up a run (1 unearned) doesn't get the W. And to boot, he got the first hit of the night and drove in the first two runs.
• I think I was the only person that could care less that Jimmy Peanuts Carter was in the stands.
  
• And finally to the guy who gave the foul ball to the pretty girl whose seat he had to reach under: IDIOT!!! Unless your wedding band is in the shop or your fiancé is at home looking thru Bridal Quarterly for 10 Tips on How to Have a Stress Free and Fabulous Wedding (read: elope), giving up a ball without digits, a hug, or a kiss is strictly forbidden and bears the penalty of a million punches on your guy card.

Still a good night; Braves won 5-3. And the only person on my fantasy team to participate didn't hurt me too bad.

The "10 things" thing

Been busy lately, and it's just going to get busier until the semester's over. However, as I have a little time now, I'm going to steal Jeff's idea and tell you 10 things about myself that most of you could probably care less about knowing.

1. My dreams: there are several recurring themes in my dreams. For starters, the oldest dream I've had is where I'm running from Michael Myers (Halloween); this makes sense seeing as how this was the first horror movie I ever saw - it's also still my favorite. Another is that in all of my dreams where my grandfather appears, he is played by John Wayne. Weird, I know.

2. I am almost the Rainman of guns. When watching 24 or any other gun related TV show, I resist the urge to rewind and pause to get a closer look at what somebody's using (strangely enough, 24 has more violations of general gun safety than any other shows I've seen.) I'm also a Walther P99 stalker.

3. My life verses: Proverbs 17:22, 1 Peter 4:8 (look'em up if you're that curious). And on several occasions, I've borrowed from Mark Lowry: "And it came to pass..."

4. For all my love and enjoyment of guns, I've only been hunting once. Mosquitoes attacked me. I didn't see a darned thing except a turkey. I don't really want to talk about it any more than that. Oh, and my wife can shoot just as good as I can.

5. I am one of the most laid back, "never do today what you can put off til tomorrow" type B people around. And I've had two panic attacks in the last 9 years. Go figure.

6. The most challenging and entertaining games I've ever played have been the Pokémon games for the Gameboy and Gameboy Advanced. Altogether, I've probably logged around 1000 hours total playing time. And it's all thanks to my brother-in-law.

7. I am ambidextrous; for most of my life, I've been able to write and eat with both hands. Some things, I've only learned with my left hand, others with my right (considered my dominant hand). I haven't been able to write with my left hand for two months.

8. If money were no option, I'd be a teacher. However, there would need to be a few rules laid down before the first day with the class. For starters, paddlings will be reinstituted for the parents of the misbehaving child.

9. I have an inner 12 year old inside of me. Bodily functions still make me laugh. I don't plan on turning 13 any time soon. Please pray for my wife.

10. Every day, I carry my wallet in a back pocket, keys in my front right, fingernail clippers and lip balm in the front left. In my wallet I have a comb, though my hair at it's longest never needs to be brushed or combed. If I have pocket change, it lives in the front left pocket, always.