Things Not To Say During Childbirth

• Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

• Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

• I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

• If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

• That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

• When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

• You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

• This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

• Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

• Stop your swearing and just breathe.

• Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

• Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.