Are you ready?
What is it that compels people to say stupid things to expectant families? Are they just allergic to silence? Worried that if they don't ask something related to pregnancy they'll seem uncaring or lacking in intelligence? Honestly, walking up to us and exclaiming "Wow, she's ready to pop!" is roughly akin to saying "Wow, she's fatter than Garfield at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade!"
Even before it looked as if she swallowed a torpedo, the idiocy began. "Save up your sleep - you're gonna need it!" I'll get right on that - exactly how do I store sleep? Do I can it? Bottle it? Hermetically seal it in mayonnaise jars on Funk and Wagnalls porch? Put it in the rubber soles of my size 10's and spend it kicking your butt up and down street?
And then there's the one that ten percent of the time is completely harmless and well intended, and 90 percent spoken by a real schmuck - "are you ready?" Should I hazard an answer and say "yes," I'm immediately met with "No you're not. You'll never be ready." And if, heaven forbid, I should say "No," then I'm lit up like Ted Kennedy at the Blue Oyster - "You'd better get ready! What are you waiting on? She's about ready to pop!"
So here is our answer, for all of the posterior's posterity. The nursery is done. We have clothes, diapers, bottles, books, heffalumps, and woozles. We have a car seat, pack-n-play, glider w/ ottoman, and enough receiving blankets to swaddle quindecaplets - two sets. We've got family and friends ready to help should a tragedy beyond our imaginations should occur. We are mentally prepared to forgo sleep, food, recreation, TV, movies, videogames, and a host of other needed and unneeded things to keep our child healthy, happy, and protected. If that doesn't fit your smarmy or otherwise defined use of the question "are you ready" then take your opinion to the southern end of a northbound mule and pucker it up.
3 references:
2nd paragraph = 50 points
3rd paragraph = 50 points
Last paragraph = 25 points
Hint: not all of them are movies
Even before it looked as if she swallowed a torpedo, the idiocy began. "Save up your sleep - you're gonna need it!" I'll get right on that - exactly how do I store sleep? Do I can it? Bottle it? Hermetically seal it in mayonnaise jars on Funk and Wagnalls porch? Put it in the rubber soles of my size 10's and spend it kicking your butt up and down street?
And then there's the one that ten percent of the time is completely harmless and well intended, and 90 percent spoken by a real schmuck - "are you ready?" Should I hazard an answer and say "yes," I'm immediately met with "No you're not. You'll never be ready." And if, heaven forbid, I should say "No," then I'm lit up like Ted Kennedy at the Blue Oyster - "You'd better get ready! What are you waiting on? She's about ready to pop!"
So here is our answer, for all of the posterior's posterity. The nursery is done. We have clothes, diapers, bottles, books, heffalumps, and woozles. We have a car seat, pack-n-play, glider w/ ottoman, and enough receiving blankets to swaddle quindecaplets - two sets. We've got family and friends ready to help should a tragedy beyond our imaginations should occur. We are mentally prepared to forgo sleep, food, recreation, TV, movies, videogames, and a host of other needed and unneeded things to keep our child healthy, happy, and protected. If that doesn't fit your smarmy or otherwise defined use of the question "are you ready" then take your opinion to the southern end of a northbound mule and pucker it up.
3 references:
2nd paragraph = 50 points
3rd paragraph = 50 points
Last paragraph = 25 points
Hint: not all of them are movies
posted by misawa at 4:55 PM
1 Comments:
Dude, a word of warning. If you are planning on being in the delivery room during the birth, be careful about holding your wife's hand during a contraction.
During those things, a woman's strength intensifies by about 10,000% per cent. I speak from personal experience.
I guess this is God's way of allowing us to vicariously experience just a little bit of what she is feeling.
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